Retro Re-hash: BurgerTime

Here in the Toxic Mancave, we'll be revisiting some of those glorious gaming gems of the past to see if they held up to our memories. And in our premiere article, we return to one of the most amazing games of my own childhood decades ago:

At a Glance: I remember spending SO MANY QUARTERS in this game as a kid! This was the very first video game that I ever played (back in 1983, so that explains the Captain Caveman photo on my profile), and it's the one that hooked me as a gamer for life. It's also the game that caused my own dad to buy me an Atari 2600 and then lord over it himself during his periods of boozing and getting high. Bastard.

"Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce..." 

(Data East arcade version, 1982)

But I digress. The "BurgerTime" Wikipedia article summarizes this game quite nicely in a single sentence: "The player is chef Peter Pepper, who must walk over hamburger ingredients located across a maze of platforms while avoiding pursuing characters." Those "pursuing characters" are -of course- food items such as walking sausages, fried eggs, and pickles. Yes, BurgerTime put fried eggs on burgers LONG before that hoity-toity ass deli down the street where all the neo-yuppy millennial hipsters hang out started doing it. Suck on that, snowflake. I bet it's real digital meat, too; not that vegan soy scamburger crap. And, sticking with the food motif of the game, Chef Peter's only weapon is a salt/pepper shaker. How cute!

Then imagine my surprise when only five years later, after I had graduated to an NES (which my dad was not coordinated enough to steal from me; take that, fucker!), when I received my VERY OWN COPY of my favoritest game of all time ever!

But... does the reality of a middle-aged toxic male hold up to the memory of a sweet innocent young child?

Platform: Arcade - 1982; NES - 1987

Plot: Dude! Really?!? This was the fuckin' '80s! Plots were strictly reserved Saturday mornings and after-school specials where kids were concerned! And you can bet games in the '80s were marketed directly at kids. There's a reason why the social philosophy exists even to this day that video games are for kids in America. But this isn't about gamer history. This is about nostalgia, baby! We're talking down memory lane with a game that exists for no other reason than to look cool, make funky noises to get attention, and eat quarters! So with that in mind, let's get ready to replay our childhood! (0/5)

The Chef is doing quite well decades after BurgerTime.
(@nusr_et / via Instagram)

Gameplay: This game is the bastard love-child of Donkey Kong and Pac-man, much like many other games of its era. After the immense success of the premiere maze runner and the only creature you can say comes from the Planet of the Apes without sounding racist, other developers sought to cash in on the craze. BurgerTime only has one God-forsaken button, and it doesn't even make your character jump. It makes him toss a spray from your VERY FUCKING LIMITED SUPPLY of seasoning, which renders your pursuers temporarily harmless. This was even long before Turkish Salt Bae became an overnight viral sensation by doing exactly... the... same... thing.

So okay, I remember it exactly that way... except... Well, it was far more magical as a kid. I'm being chased by man-sized food items, and it's funny to paralyze them with seasoning. Still... even Mario was allowed to jump and swing a hammer when he climbed HIS ladders! What the fuck, Data East?!? And then I only get five (that's 5 for you illiterate fuckers... why are you even here, anyway?) shakers to get me through the entire damn game?!? Mario got unlimited jumps, and Pac-man got four goddamn power pellets per fucking level! And you snowflakes thought today's developers were sadistic... (We're looking at YOU, FromSoftware...) Still, the gameplay is kind of fun in a casual way, so we'll be fair and rank it based on that. (3/5)

Graphics: The graphics for the original arcade version from Data East actually weren't that bad, all things considered. The sausages were recognizable as sausages. The eggs were recognizable as eggs. The pickles were... well, you get the idea. Even today, I've seen games with far worse graphics than those used in the original BurgerTime cabinet back in 1982. Then, if you look at some of the early ports to systems *cough2600cough*, the gameplay was similar, but the quality sucked balls. But by the time it arrived on NES (the version I'm actually reviewing... you know, in case you were wondering), that original quality had been pretty much restored.

Still, I HAVE to dock points simply because in even the best ports, the lettuce looked like green fart clouds in a juvenile comic book. Probably from all those eggs on those burgers. (3/5)

Mmmmm... Boingy bouncy buns... (via Giphy)

Sound: Not only do we have the boingy bass of bouncing buns, but they gave us shushing shakers, a generic notification tone when our snack would show up at the middle, an upbeat death dirge, and actual background music. Okay, most of it sucks because it's geared to getting the attention of Junior while you're shopping at the mall. But that boingy bun bounce is still cool to this day. That said... A for effect, but F for ability to hold up over time. (2/5)

Fun: You know what? In spite of everything, I still enjoy this fucker. That's all I need to say. (5/5, bitches!)

Final Tally
Plot	0/5
Gameplay	3/5
Graphics	3/5
Sound	2/5
Fun	5/5
Overall (Average)	2.6/5